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"We are a free, Christian Pen Pal address site, with free online dating personals, and ladies here are not mail order brides. 100% of our addresses are free.

JOKES

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter.
"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"None. I had a perfect marriage."
"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.
"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.
"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."
Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I just saw my wife."
"So?"
"She was riding a skateboard.

 

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!" "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

 

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 in it."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"

 

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand."

Finding one of her students making faces at other kids on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

Smiling sweetly, the school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

 

In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in soil - alive.

So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said "As long as you drink and smoke , you won't have worms."

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said, "I've got nobody to talk to."

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'

'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

 

Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Martha, had been the best of friends for over 50 years. Over the decades they had spent together, they had worked together, lived next door to each other, and even vacationed together with their husbands. In their golden years, they would meet every afternoon to play cards.

One day, as they were wrapping up a game of pinochle, Ethel looks at Martha sheepishly and says , "Now please don't get angry with me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't seem to remember your name! I've been wracking my brain for the past hour but it still escapes me. Please remind a forgetful old lady!"

Martha glares angrily at her. For five minutes, she doesn't speak, only giving her friend stares of disappointment. Finally, Martha asks, "How soon do you need to know?"


Anna says, "Me & my husband are no longer together".
"Why?" asks Maria.
"Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"
"No, of course I couldn't!" exclaims Maria.
And Anna says, "Well he couldn't either!"

z'!"

One day, Michael Jackson was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog he had ever seen!
"Dear frog" Michael asked, "what is the matter? Why are you so sad?"
"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog."
"Tell me more" Michael said..
"One day, I was walking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog."
"But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked Michael.
"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again."
"Well, this is your lucky day!" Michael Jackson said..
So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old boy in his bed!

"And that Your Honor, is the case for the Defense!"

 


A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.
They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to reach the tape up along the pole. It kept falling down!
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole and lie it on the ground, where he measures it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

MALE LOGIC
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one 5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts.

A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "one enemy ship on the horizon, Sir."
The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt".
So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?"
The captain says, "Because if I get injured, the men won't see it, and they'll keep on fighting."
So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizon."
The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.
She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you one thing. There ain' t nothing wrong with your eyesight!."


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